Shake It Twice
A reporter submitted green tea as his urine specimen to 10 Hangzhou (China) hospitals, then sat back and waited for his results. Six hospitals determined he had an infection, and five prescribed medicine totaling 1,300 RMB – in today’s money market, nearly $180 USD. Expensive tea. A spokesperson for the Ministry of Health blasted the media for violating a nebulous professional code of conduct.

Too Close To Call
Britney shaved her head.

New Century Diplomacy
In his ‘argument ad nourishment’ lesson Li Zhaoxing, former Chinese ambassador to the US, ex-Foreign Minister and current Beijing University professor, told his students at China’s most prestigious institution that his strategy for countering foreigners’ incessant badgering about human rights was to state, “I have suffered from starvation before and so I know what human rights are. Have you ever suffered from starvation before?”

Cats Pause
The University of Kentucky Wildcats basketball team lost to Gardner-Webb, which, prior to this game, I’d wrongly assumed to be an insurance company. Apologies to the Runnin’ Bulldogs. You keep on goin’ Cats!

White Olympics?
Snow was reported to have fallen in Beijing at least twice this past August, though the first incident was debunked by the Beijing Weather Observatory. Snow in August? Insane. After it happened again, there was a resounding silence from the InfoWeathermen. In Chinese folklore summer snow translates into the commission at some level of grave injustices, which may or may not speak to the machinations of weather manipulation as a preternatural strategy for controlling the upcoming 2008 Olympics.

A Head of the Pack
In the Amazing Science category Slugger Barry Bonds, whose head has inconceivably continued to grow well into his forties, passed Hank Aaron as all-time MLB home run hitter. Rich “Goose” Gossage said it best in 2006: “Hitting in a game is no different than hitting in a home run contest. It pisses me off to say Barry Bonds is the greatest hitter. He’s playing in a wussy era. The game is soft. You never get thrown at today. Last thing a hitter has to worry about today is getting hit. The first thing Hank Aaron had to worry about is: Am I going to survive this at-bat because I’m black.” In spite of the wussified shortcomings of the ‘era,’ Mr. Bonds, an alleged human growth hormone abuser, bravely dared recent pitchers’ beanball dreams by giving them an even bigger head to throw at. Kudos.

Prime to Premier
Thaksin Shinawatra, exiled Thai prime minister who fled to England after a military coup, purchased the Manchester City Football Club of the English Premier League for $162 million which equals the total annual wages of 736,363 Thai housekeepers. Kick that ball!

Available
Marilyn Manson officially divorced former stripper Dita Von Teese, aka Heather Sweet, proving that you can’t have your Cake and Sodomy too.

Samsonette Agonistes
Post head-shaved Britney lost her children.

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