The First
The first man who whistled
thought he had a wren in his mouth.
He went around all day
with his lips puckered,
afraid to swallow.

Upon opening his mouth at the end of a long, dry day of walking about with a bird trapped in it, only to discover that nothing flies out, no telltale trace of feathers left behind, that the song, all along, was him and only him, is the point of both the title and the poem. The next day there could not have been another mouthful of bird. If there had been, then something would have been horribly wrong, a brain dysfunction of some stripe or other. You can only whistle first once.

It’s like throwing shoes at world leaders, after it’s been done before. It’s nothing but shameless cliché.  It’s consciously choosing to be publicly stupid, anouncing to the entire world, “I am incapable of anything but base rote. I am wholly unoriginal. My mother should have left me on a rock in the wilds the day I was born. I can do nothing else but make noise and drool!”

This cross-cultural copping of a regionally – as well as moment-in-time – specific act of demonstration makes about as much sense as burning a cross in front of Wen Jiaboa’s hotel. It’s all about set and setting. A western white boy tossing a shoe at a Chinese leader in England? I mean, come on! It’s like trying to Save the Whales by setting yourself on fire in the middle of a forest. I can only hope that he gets what he deserves, which will be his photo on the front page of every newspaper throughout the world, with the bold caption

World’s Stupidest Protester Returns to Primary School
Wants to try to get it right the second time around.

That ought to do it. This one goes into the same drawer as the John Watterberg file.

But Munatadar al-Zaidi … Well that was something else, altogether. Both of those shoes fit! But only the first time. And only there in Baghdad, at that particular moment. You can’t paint the Mona Lisa twice.

As Parliament began to discuss legislation on the withdrawal from Iraq of armed forces from nations other than the United States, a group of lawmakers demanded that the legislature instead take up the issue of the detained journalist, Muntader al-Zaidi, 29. After his shoes narrowly missed Mr. Bush’s head at the news conference on Sunday, Mr. Zaidi was subdued by a fellow journalist and then beaten by members of the prime minister’s security detail, who hauled him out of the room. Mr. Zaidi’s cries could be heard from a nearby room.

Mr Bush has done his absolute best to collect an impressive list of “neg creds” with the Muslim world in the eight years that he has wandered the halls of the White House. Now here is an opportunity for him to attempt to balance it off. Forgiveness. What a unique idea. All the Big Books of Gods and Religions stress this sort of thing, even the one that Mr. Bush probably keeps next to his bed, even if it is questionable that he can actually read it. The forgiving of an enemy and the display of grace and compassion is central to the tenets of all great religions as we were reminded by religious scholar and 2008 TED Prize winner Karen Armstrong in her talk introducing a Charter of Comapassion. And in the spirit of the season, what a unique thought: forgive the man who threw a shoe at you.

While I am quite aware that this in an Iraqi problem, Mr Bush could get everyone off the hook – Mr Maliki, the Iraqi Parliament, and a good deal of the Muslim world – by suggesting that Mr Zaidi be shown clemency. What is so hard about that? Is he afraid that he’ll be shoed whenever he travels from Texas? My guess is that he’ll not be traveling far from home once he heads back to the Lone Star State for fear that any number of foreign powers might Pinochet him later, and I believe that the last thing he wants is to see himself behind a glass wall in The Hague.

And yes, forgiveness and compassion is that simple. And the argument that it is not is the same sort of argument that is used in every situation that screams “Impasse!” A word from the man who impressively dodged a high-and-inside fastshoe could help everyone here. Will he have the insight and the moral courage to actually do it? That’s a question only Mr. Bush can answer. He has a chance to write a footnote into the record that might show him as a person other than the one so much of the world has come to know and loathe.

“This is from the widows, the orphans and those who were killed in Iraq!”

These were the words that accompanied the second shoe that Muntadar al-Zaidi hurled at POTUS Bush as it sailed harmlessly over the Texan’s head. The first shoe nearly nailed the US commander-in-chief, and while Mr Zaidi didn’t make contact with either, he clearly made his point, one that the whole world, with the exception of the current White House, had gotten a long time ago.

It is still unclear what will happen to Mr Zaidi, who is now a hero throughout the Middle East. I cannot speak for the rest of the world – though it appears that favorable reactions are coming from every burgh and roadside turnout around the planet – I can say that he has very favorable ratings in one little corner of Tianjin, and I suspect that corner is bigger than I know.

Mr Zaidi, who remains in custody facing seven (7) years for “an act of aggression against a visiting head of state,” has presented Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki with a classic dilemma. I am sure that there is an Arabic saying that mirrors the sentiments that when you swim with piranhas you best not bleed. Mr Zaidi has drawn Mr Maliki’s blood, and he might very well get eaten. I expect that this one might not be resolved until after January 20, 2008.

If Mr Bush had the least lick of sense – a quality which, if he has it, has been effectively kept secret for the last eight years – he would publicly ask for Mr Zaidi’s immediate release, invite him to the White House and present him with a new pair of shoes, an act that could be amazingly disarming, while giving justifiable anger a semi-civil forum (‘civility’ will not be restored to that office for another five weeks), and which might salvage the thinnest shred of international respect for this lamest of ducks as he heads for the infamous corral of history (or Trent Lott’s porch). I feel quite certain that Mr. Bush, who has never been accused of being disarming, will once again miss a golden opportunity to rise above the baseline of common, just as he did with 9/11, confirming once again that he failed to follow his true calling of bussing tables at a Texas diner, making small talk with the early morning biscuits ‘n gravy Stetson crowd and fetching them the newspaper as they head for the john.

If Mr Bush’s PR people would rise from the dead, the White House could sponsor a Shoes For The Homeless Holiday Drive, or a Toss A Shoe at the President fundraiser for veterans and Iraqi civilians who have lost limbs in this senseless occupation. There are so many ways that they could positively turn this, though the only thing that we can count on is that they’ll continue to do as they’ve always done. It’s so much easier to hunker in the bunker and pray for the assault to end. Unfortunately for them, their long record of crimes and villainies will dog them to their graves. Perhaps that’s the only justice we can hope for.

There appears to be no truth to the rumor that Mr Bush then whispered to Mr Maliki, “Good thing it wasn’t Dick. It woulda took his friggin’ head off, just like he tried doing to Whittington.”

Mr Zaidi’s employer, al-Baghdadiya television, has demanded his release, “in accordance with the democratic era and the freedom of expression that Iraqis were promised by U.S. authorities.”

Democratic values aside, there also appears to be no truth to the rumors that the Philadelphia Phillies have tentatively signed Mr. Zaidi to a one-year contract and that former Phillie Curt Schilling (R-Red Sox) said, “Put that reporter at the plate and I’ll show him how to hit a f*ckin’ head.”

Pardon pending.